Well, Now What?

It's been a little hurricane of illness in our household, between my miscarriage and D&C, my cold, T0rran's fever and cough, and then Bruce's cold.

By Wednesday it finally looked like we were heading back to healthville, as all three of us were fever free and back to our designated routine activities in some degree of better functioning.

Today, the wee man is sporting a fever and a small rash to the side of his mouth. Hand-foot-and-mouth disease? Freakish fever of unknown origin?

And with our impending trip home, it makes me kinda nervous!

It will *Never* Feel Right. Nor Should It.

For Keegan and Neil.

Theirs is not my story to tell. Perhaps one day, I will be given permission to share the tales of these little boys, born to different families, who faced death and did not win.

In the meantime, I can convey my sorrow for their families and the people who love them.

My FB post today:

I have heard of two deaths of a child in less than 24hrs. One of someone I know, another through a friend. It is nearly incomprehensible to me that such unfairness exists in the world, when so many people either do not want or do not appreciate the children that they have (or worse!). If you are a parent, tonight, give them an extra hug and kiss and KNOW how special that life is to you and the greater world around them. May these newest angels find peace and happiness on their next journey, and their families find some measure of comfort in knowing that so many people would take away their pain and bear it for them if they could.

Not Quite a Deer in Headlights

I cannot say that I have writer`s block because I do not know what to say.
Nor can I truly say that this is a block.

It is more a of a writer`s stun.

In being conscienscious about what I write, I have to engage in self-censureship.

But this takes away from my true humanity, in my humble opinion.

From thence I pontificate about what is our true humanity... the reflections we post online, or the ones which we do not share with the world for fear of retribution, judgement, employers or pity.

Ironically, the world is no better poised right now to expose the inner self for a deeper understanding of each other, whilst at the same time being made to crop, nay distort, that experience down to two sentences which won`t get you flamed or fired.

Instead, I write nothing but a cryptic hodgepodge.

Enjoy. I`m off to bury my brain in Warcraft.

Unassisted Me Now Requires Assistance

My unassisted miscarriage has not progressed as I'd hoped. I haven't written over the last week, not for pregnancy related illness, but more because I got a cold the same night I found out about the miscarriage, which then translated itself into Torran's daily routine shortly thereafter. Besides still going to work (yes, I worked miscarrying caring for people with far fewer health risks than myself, including pregnancy related worries), I've not had a decent night sleep in well over a week because of Torran's nightly coughing and getting out of bed.

Bruce is now the latest proud host of the household plague.

In true soap operaesque fashion, on the eve of Bruce getting the bit hit from the cold virus, we found out that the natural miscarriage did not work. I have a huge clot in my uterus and some unknown segment of placenta which still thinks that it is trying to support a non-existant embryotic life and ramping up my pbeta-Hcg levels. When I woke this morning with that all too familiar pregnant boob pain I knew even this was the case before the ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis of "incomplete abortion".

It's a term I hate to use at work, especially for those women who did not choose to lose their pregnancy. At least miscarriage is a less brutal way to describe the same problem.

Now, I need to have a D&C, well, technically she's going to do a dilation and suction curettage. I did have the option of taking medication to induce uterine cramping to expel the so-called retained products of conception, but that isn't guarenteed. Given our upcoming court date (for our botched basement renovation, a story I have yet to share online) and Christmas plans, I can't afford to let this go on for two more weeks.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor's designated hospital, register by 8am and wait the entire day for the gynecologist to be free from delivering other women's babies AND for empty room in the OR with accompanying staff.

I'm taking the first two books of the Robin Hobb The Farseers Assassins Trilogy (my mother in law assures me that I have to complete this series before completing the third trilogy that followed the Liveship Traders, the Dragonkeeper Triology). I've already started one and I read fast. It's going to be a LONG DAY.

If I think about it too long, I get nauseated. So I won't write about it too long either. Probably, I'll be out of commission for the rest of the weekend.