Two Blue Lines. No Heartbeat.

Two weeks ago I pee'd on a stick, twice, and was rewarded with two faint blue lines.

Joy! Pregnant!

BUT it was only the start. So much more has to go into play before I could truly relax. In fact, it was another 33weeks worth of "stuff" (although I would have been happy with a 35 week gestation).

That sense of elation was robbed from me today, after I had an ultrasound confirming that at 6 weeks, there was no heartbeat, no yolk sac and more blood than anything else. I`d started bleeding last week, but only light spotting. It was considered to be an implantation bleed, and a 5 week ultrasound was not diagnostic for viability but did demonstrate an intra-uterine pregnancy instead of ectopic. The heavier stuff started Tuesday.

I remained hopeful as I have already had a history of subchorionic bleed in the first trimester with Torran. This time, I started taking antibiotics to treat chronic endometritis (uterine lining inflammation because of infection). I also started a prescription prenatal vitamin which included 4000 micrograms of folic acid compared to the usual 40mcg because of the Factor V Leiden and MTHFR carrier risk I face. To prevent clots in the developing placenta or umbilicus, causing early miscarriage, I also started low dose aspirin.

My original bleed was no bigger than 1cm square, essentially. Tody the doctor told me that the blood has likely lifted any implanting embryo off the uterine wall, regardless of whether or not the embryo itself was growing properly. The aspirin could have contributed to the bleed, yes, but was not the cause of it.

Even though I am being told not to by my staunch supporters, I now hate myself for having taken it for the five days before the bleeding got bad. In fact, it was getting better at first - to the point of being negligible.

I am so angry at the way things have turned out. After taking a break from the assisted reproductive technologies over the summer, Bruce and I decided to wing it on our own. This decision also partly came up because we had to transfer some of our expenses over to Torran`s new nursery school and it would be a very tight budget to pay for both at the same time.

Yeah, so we did it on our own. And that is about the only positive thing I have to say right now.

I am angry and bitter.

I also do not have the brain power for platitudes...
...it will all work out
...at least you have one, some women don`t get any children
...you can still try again
...its all part of the grand design of life
...blah blah blah

I wonder how these phraseologies came into human existance. Instead, be brutally honest: life sucks sometimes. Guess I signed up for more than my share.

So, by my physician`s suggestion, I will have a natural miscarriage. In other words, do nothing and let my body expel everything, monitoring for my continued health of course.

One web site on a Google hit says natural or unassisted miscarriage is a way to experience trust in our bodies at a time when we need it most.
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What a load of horse shit. (pardon my swearing)

It doesn`t hurt physically yet. Emotionally I am damn near a basket case. I am to expect cramping, heavy bleeding, discomfort and emotional turmoil.

Bruce is taking it in his own way. I feel sorry that I have left Torran with him for the most part of this afternoon, but I just cannot be supermom today. In fact, when I look at the wee man who is the most significant member of my family, it makes me tearful and sad. He deserves a sibling as much as any child does, pehaps moreso. I feel like a failure for not being able to provide that for him.

I know this is not the same kind of loss or hurt as the loss of a child whom you feel in the womb, give birth to and watch grow, for however long they grace your life. Having seen babies die, know the women and men who loved them, I am acutely aware of that kind of loss.

However, that doesn`t stop my overwhelming sadness, grief and bitter anger. It is not the same level as theirs, I know. But it still hurts.

It really really hurts.